I had this dream, as a child, that my Grandfather and I were being chased by a fire-breathing dragon around the nursery school I attended. We were running for our lives through the labyrinthine hallways, narrowly escaping the monster. With the shadow of the beast reflecting off every wall at every turn, I could hear my Grandfather’s laboured breathing and I knew, in the end, we wouldn’t make it–the monster would win.
As an adult, this is how I’ve led my life, running from one dragon or another, only now the dragon has shifted from the green, scaly beast to invisible entities with names like Shame, Rage, Fear, and Love. Any “large scale” emotion gets my feet feeling like hot potatoes and, before I know it, I’ve busted out along the road, running and wheezing, although not really sure why.
This past week delivered me to the shores of the poisonous lake of Shame. Shame of my body. Shame of womanhood. Shame of aging. Shame of sexuality and relationships and body hair and simple everyday thoughts. Whatever it was that was going on in my life, it seemed to be coated in the corrosive slime of Shame. I knew it was there, I could feel it in my body:
- rapid pulse
- shallow and quick breathing
- a sense of constriction in my chest
- interrupted sleep
- reduced appetite
- feeling a need to wretch
(Do you know any of these?)
And my mind followed after my body, becoming cloudy, with thoughts trying to move through a thick, pudding-like fog.
Shame. Although it could have been Fear or Love or anything.
What do you do when you get triggered by large emotions? Me, like I said, I run. I run like crazy and I run in all sorts of different ways. I become obsessed…with ANYTHING. I feel the need to keep doing, and what I do tends to push my body to an unhealthy edge. I push too hard in the garden. I push too hard in exercise. I feel it’s utterly necessary to dance, and then I push too hard once again. I simply push too hard…in my relationships, in my body, in my mind. All of this in the simple attempt to outrun the beast, the thing I don’t want to face, the thing I am convinced will kill me if I stop for even a moment to look around.
A person cannot run forever. I, for one, am super tired. Yesterday, as I was beginning to lose steam and was starting to think, “This thing is going to catch up with me. I’m doomed,” a new thought entered my mind, “What if I just…stop?” What would happen if I just stopped running? If I know, in the long run, I cannot sustain avoidance, that avoidance will ultimately kill any joy and vitality in my life, what’s the risk in stopping? If I don’t, I will lose everything anyway.
Many schools of martial arts teach that, instead of engaging in a conflicted relationship with an opponent by pulling away, soften the interaction, make connection by stepping towards the threat and into the situation. Channel the energy inwards. Yesterday my friend emailed me this gem, “Shame only says these things because it fears that you will figure out how truly awesome you are and leave it behind for good.” Something about that broke my heart. Nothing likes to be abandoned. Why, then, do I abandon that part of me, the dragon, that clearly wants to make contact, that is asking for something from me, that is asking for my time and my love? Why not move inwards and make a connection with the thing I fear the most?
So I stopped. I put on the brakes and fixed myself to the spot. And the dragon stopped with me. Soon I will drum up the courage to turn around, to sit down, and to observe this thing that chases me. I will give it my time and my attention. Eventually, I hope to approach the beast (perhaps with a yummy slice of pie) and to give it a hug. This is the woundedness in me that begs to be touched, to be comforted, to be heard, to be healed and there is no one in the world but me who can do this. And there’s no one is the world who does not have this woundedness within them–we all have it; no one is alone in this experience.
I think we’re given these big emotions as tools to break open our hearts. How can we shame someone else when we know the crippling pain of shame ourselves? How can we actively threaten the safety of another when we know abject terror? How can we not extend love freely when we’ve fully taken love into our own hearts?
So the next time you get the sense that you’re freaking out, that you’re running away from something that is making you uncomfortable, take out this tiny little note that I’ve sent along to you and with you: This may be the tool, the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. Stop, breathe, look, love…and offer it pie.
Maybe we’ll both get the chance to see that the dragon just isn’t all that scary.
If you catch sight of me the next time you’re running, screaming, down that road, stop and come grab a seat beside me. We’ll breathe together. Maybe we’ll do lunch. Just know I will be there, that I have been there, and will, no doubt, wind up there again. This learning is forever. ;)
May we be happy.
May we not suffer.
May we know peace.
All my love and blessings,
Tabitha
It’s All About You
Posted in Commentary, Healing, inspiration, tagged change your life, create change, dating, healing, Inspiration, relationships on April 10, 2013 | 2 Comments »
We humans like very much to point the finger outwards when things in our lives aren’t going exactly as we’d like.
Have you noticed that?
You’re getting fat because your job is stressful and doesn’t allow time for any kind of physical activity. It has nothing to do with shoving piles of restaurant food in your mouth and driving to the corner store. No, no! It’s out….there.
Your relationship busted up because your ex is emotionally stunted and refused to do anything to help the relationship. It had nothing to do with your sitting, glazed-eyed, in front of the TV for hours playing video games instead of helping a bit with the housework. No, no! Again, out…there.
You have no friends. Nobody calls you or asks you to do things. You’re so alone. Of course it has nothing to do with your refusal to reach out to others, or that you’re a compulsively negative, unpleasant human being. No, no! Go ahead, guess where. You’ve got it! Out….there.
How many of us actually stop and take a cold, hard look at what we’re doing to help create the painful situations in our lives? How many of us actually have the courage to look truthfully and admit to our contributions when we see them? Acknowledging that you have a large part to play in your own misery feels like a heart-stopping, stomach-clenching shot in the face with a pail full of cold water, but is has to be done, folks, if any real change can take place in your life.
Go ahead, take a look.
Trust me, it only gets better from here.
My real work began the day the light turned on in my head and I realized that I was an abusive partner. I was using the circumstances of my life as a (weak) excuse for my horrid behaviour. I was dealing with my own abuse history. My Dad was chronically emotionally unavailable. I suffered from depression. I thought I might be gay. Blah, blah, blah. Admittedly, all very stressful things to contend with, but as an excuse to use my partner as an emotional punching bag? About as useful as saying, “I shot the guy because I didn’t like the weather.” There was no valid excuse for my behaviour. True, I was acting unconsciously up until the time consciousness smacked me in the face. Then there was no going back. It was a terrifying and nauseating feeling to realize I had been as abusive as my own abuser, only in a different way, and it was the best thing to ever happen to me.
If, according to you, your life sucks right now, I encourage you to take a deep breath, grab that mirror, sit down and have a hard look at yourself. What are you doing to contribute to the muck?
Here are some of the muck-stories I’ve heard:
1) There are no good available wo/men to date. Really? Is this true? Beyond the very easy question of ”Have you put yourself out there,” I encourage you to dig a little deeper. How available are you? Are you clear and open to the possibility of love, or are you still hung up on, and bitter about, all the things you believe your ex did to you? If you’re even a little bit hung up, my friends, you are not yet single and available. You are still dating the ghost of your past partners. Break up. Don’t you think it’s about time?
More interestingly, ask yourself if you stand in this world as a quality partner. If you were a stranger looking in on you, would you want to date yourself? Do you have the kind of personality and attitude that draws people in, or repels them? If you wouldn’t date yourself, you’ve got some work to do. Become the partner you wish for. Develop and harbour those qualities within yourself.
2) I wish I had a friend to hang out with, but no one calls me or asks me to go places. The friends I do have are all into games; nobody communicates. When was the last time you asked someone out for a coffee, or invited them over to your place just to chat? Have you initiated contact with someone in your life just to see how they’re doing? Are you playing games with the people in your life, dropping little emotional bombs on their doorsteps and then running away? Are you communicating with your friends? Honestly, are you?
As you did before, ask yourself if you would have yourself as a friend. Are you the kind of person others would like to befriend? Are you warm, approachable and engaging? Do people feel safe and energized in your presence? Are you able to reach out, to communicate, to give? If not, and again, you have some work to do.
3) I can’t stand drama, but I have so much of it in my life. :) Do you really hate drama? I mean REALLY? I used to have a good deal of drama in my life, although I lamented that I couldn’t stand it. It took some doing, some gluing myself to the spot until I could see that I sucked drama towards me just as powerfully as my lungs suck air. I used drama as an excuse, as a cover-up. I used drama to hide my fear of doing the work I wanted to be doing. I used it as a way to avoid the painful reality that I was dissatisfied with the quality of the relationships in my life. I created a whirlwind of drama when I felt bored or stagnated in my life instead of creating art. I used it as an antidote to depression instead of working to figure out the root cause of my depression. I used drama like a drug to anaesthetize myself, to numb me out so I didn’t have to actually make any changes in my life.
So, from one who has been there, I ask: For what purpose are you using drama? I’ll bet the farm that you’re at the centre of that maelstrom, conjuring up the forces to keep you from seeing something you don’t really want to see, or to get in the way of your doing something constructive about an uncomfortable situation.
What are you avoiding?
4) My life would be so much better if… Would it? If you sincerely looked into yourself right now, is your internal environment receptive, even slightly, to things that are good, or are you committed to seeing nothing but the dark side of life? Because, let me tell you, if you are hanging strong to the idea that the glass is perpetually half empty, there could be a conga line of good fortune parading in front of you, and you will smack it away as if it was an annoying insect.
Try this instead: My life would be so much better if I realized how good my life is right now. My life would be so much better if I realized how much I actually have. My life would be so much better if I learned how to say thank you for simple wonders and small mercies. My life would be so much better if I realized I’m here because of the decisions I’ve made so, if I don’t like it, I can choose differently and create change. My life would be so much better if I allowed my life to be so much better.
It hurts to take an honest look at yourself, to see where and how you create your own misery, but it’s the only way to freedom. To skitter around trying to change external circumstances, things over which you have no control, is positively futile and will only lead to exhaustion and collapse. You cannot change the world; you are not that powerful. And the world owes you nothing. But you can change yourself, and maybe you owe yourself a little bit of peace. The only way to do that is to look deep into the looking glass and to fall in. There is magic in that space and your world will never again be the same. You wanted change, right?
Now, dive.
Believing in your ability to float,
Tabitha
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