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Posts Tagged ‘coping with loss’

There’s been a lot going on lately with deaths, relationships standing on the rocks or ending, houses being sold and friends moving away.  Endings.  Loss. For me, this is the emotionally tough stuff of life.  In honour of the emotionally tough stuff, I offer this repost.  And for those who stand broken open with tender hearts bleeding, I offer one of my favourite Buddhist blessings:

May you be happy.

May you not suffer.

    May you know peace.

All my love and healing blessings,

Tabitha

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I don’t like endings and there have been a lot of them lately.  A friend’s mother died.  A long standing friendship has been blown apart on the tailwinds of a new-found romantic relationship.  My grandmother has moved from fierce matriarch to tender, fragile being in need of more care.  Endings make my mind go numb.  I don’t quite know how to deal with them and, when the tidal waves they cause are upon me, you will find me a blubbering mess at the most inopportune times and in the most awkward of places, like the grocery store or in a traffic jam.  But I never realized until recently, when I was preparing a piece of writing for submission, how much this aversion to endings bleeds into my life.

If I look back at my history of writing I find myself consistently struggling with how to end a piece.  Whether it be an essay or a poem, I am constantly wrestling with that last sentence, that final hurrah.  I want the piece to have impact, to end with a punch, but what I end up with is an ending that fizzles out like air slowly seeping out of a balloon.

I…don’t…like…endings.  I can’t cope with them.  I believe somewhere that if I just keep moving, if I can walk fast enough, I won’t have to face them, but like the rollerblader on a city park path, endings are upon me before I even know what’s coming.  They knock me over and leave me shocked and breathless.  I don’t like feeling out of control, groundless, and I certainly don’t enjoy the pain of the proverbial scraped knee as I rise from the sidewalk.

In fact, I dislike endings so much that I think I avoid beginning things in the first place; you never have to say “goodbye” if you’ve never said “hello”.  How can I devote more time to being a working writer?  What would my life look like THEN?  While I’m not fond of how I spend most of my days and I ache for change, change means an ENDING and, well, I don’t like them.  Better to sit in that comfort zone than deal with the discomfort of venturing into something new.  But is it better?

For me, lately, the pain of sitting in the comfort is becoming far more unbearable than the fear of having to face uncertainty and endings.  It may just be the time for that change.

Yesterday I went hiking in an area I’ve never visited before.  As I was heading back to my car I came across two women and a small boy.  We got to talking and one woman was quite astounded that I was alone hiking in a new place.  She thought that was “quite risque”.  Her reaction surprised me; I never imagined being afraid to venture out on new paths on my own.  I simply trust I’m in a safe space, I trust in my own abilities and instincts, and I believe I am looked after.  After some initial nervousness, I plunge in making my way bravely through new terrain, and I always trust I will make it safely to the end.  The end…safety…safety at the end means making it back to my car in one piece and so far, I always have.

I can do that when I’m hiking. I have complete and utter faith in all that is and the end is something I look forward to as an accomplishment, not a loss.  I wish I could do the same with as much grace and ease with the more amorphous aspects of my life.

My friend Heather has a wonderful circular tattoo on the inside of her forearm that reads:  The beginning is the end…..Or, if you jump in at another juncture it reads:  The end is the beginning….In its totality it runs endlessly as:  The beginning is the end is the beginning is the end……It never ends.  It always begins.  It always ends.  It………fizzzzzzzzzzzzzles.  🙂

Much love,

Tabitha

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