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Posts Tagged ‘freedom’

Who am I? That question constantly rings in my head.

This past weekend my mother asked me to clear out a cupboard in her house, in which I have stored old art supplies. “You don’t need those anymore,” she said. “Uhhhh…..yes I do,” I replied. But when was the last time I even looked at them? What’s in that cupboard?

Today, having some extra time on my hands, I decide to wade in. There are my beloved paints. And magazines for collaging. And beads and glue.

I remember: Being in my 20s, having spent a total of 3 months in the social work field, I decided rather firmly, “This is not for me!” I quit my “secure” job with the Children’s Aid and dropped into the black hole of mystery. I was without a job, without direction, and lost for a long, LONG time. Yet somehow in that time, I always had enough money to buy art supplies. I would find things to paint – cheap clay pots, wooden forms, Christmas decorations. I would see a candle holder and consider how much nicer it would look with beads. I was in love with mosaic. It was about colour, focus, celebration and creation. Art kept me buoyant when Life threatened to sink me.

When I was 40, I received the call asking me to run my first Yoga classes. And my life became Yoga and “making a business of it”. Save for the streaks in my hair, the colours got boxed and stored away. Magazines were stored “just in case” I had to run a retreat…..which only happened once……4 years ago!

Today, looking at the paint on my fingertips, something in me moved.

WHO AM I????

She’s boxed, but she’s not dead.

May we all find what we once buried alive, that still begs for air.  May we continue to bring beauty into this world.  May we be free.

Amen.

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I don’t know about you but I have a particularly bad habit of striving for perfection.  The perfect career…the perfect yoga practice…the perfect meditation technique…the perfect things to say and do at just the right times…the perfect exercise program for the perfect waistline…All of this, I am convinced, will bring me the “perfect” outcome that will ultimately lead to perfect peace.  *sigh*  I’m sure you can guess how that goes–imperfectly.  My yoga practice begins to piss me off.  My meditation regime seems to be aggravating me instead of calming me down.  I have classic foot-in-mouth syndrome as I stumble horribly through an awkward situation, saying all the wrong things.  And let’s not even talk about the waistline, okay?  Peace?  Forget about it.  But one day, maybe ONE day, when I “get it right”, this elusive perfection thing will be MINE ALL MINE!

Then one day, driving in my car, I hear a song by Alanis Morrisette called “Incomplete”, and it stopped me dead in my tracks.  I began to laugh and cry at the same time, realizing just how ridiculous it is for me to strive for perfection when the beauty of life and living is in the imperfection.   And that one simple realization led to a pure experience of peace.  I just let it go for a moment, I let it all go and peace was mine.  For once I felt it was okay to be the perfectly flawed human being I am here to be.

And how are you with it all, my perfectly, wonderously flawed human friend?  Can you see the beauty in your imperfection?  In the imperfection of it ALL?

Here are the lyrics to the song that somehow unlocked a part of me and led me to a moment of freedom.  May we all simply allow ourselves to be and to enjoy the journey with all the bumps, twists and turns that come with living!  May you find peace.  🙂

“Incomplete”

One day I’ll find relief
I’ll be arrived
And I’ll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends
One day I’ll be at peace
I’ll be enlightened and I’ll be married with children and maybe adopt
One day I will be healed
I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

One day my mind will retreat
And I’ll know God
And I’ll be constantly one with her night dusk and day
One day I’ll be secure
Like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

Ever unfolding
Ever expanding
Ever adventurous
And torturous
But never done

One day I will speak freely
I’ll be less afraid
And measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art
One day I will be faith-filled
I’ll be trusting and spacious authentic and grounded and home

I have been running so sweaty my whole life
Urgent for a finish line
And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete

And for those of us who are more auditory in nature, here is a video.  Enjoy!

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